These are a few of my [least] fav’rite things:

Just in case I am ever interviewed as a celeb on a TV show and asked that lovely banal question of ‘What are you pet hates?’ here they are, with apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein:

Jik spills on pant suits and dog hairs on black coats

Bright lights when sleeping and smug winners who gloat

Gym folk who nick the disabled parking

These are a few of my least fav’rite things.

Underwired bras which break loose and poke in you

Muzak and payback and too-tight cute shoes

Teens who ignore the damn phone when it rings

These are a few of my least fav’rite things.

Girls who’re exploited and folk who spread hatred

Drone strikes and jeeps which are vanity plated.

Smart cars and mutton all dressed up with bling

These are a few of my least fav’rite things.

When the zip splits; when the nail breaks

These both make me sad

I simply remind myself Bieber can’t sing

And then I don’t feel so bad.

Taxes and lying and naked ambition

Maintenance arrears and bad punctuation

Gangsta low trousers and fat pinky rings

These are a few of my least fav’rite things.

Petrol price increases; school terms that drag

Too many wrinkles and buttocks which sag

Drug dealers peddling their filth at the swings

These are a few of my least fav’rite things.

Internet hanging and cold feet in my bed.

Nobody listening to what I just said

Seeing my children’s first break-ups begin

These are a few of my least fav’rite things.

When the car quits, when the bug jumps

When my darlin’s mood’s bad,

I simply remember the US has Trump

And then I don’t feel so mad!

I’ve got a little list – with apologies to Messers Gilbert and Sullivan

My husband recently treated Lizzy and me to The Mikado at Artscapes Theatre. My father was in the 1968 production and we still have the vinyl record of that somewhere. I thoroughly enjoyed re-living the sounds of my childhood in songs we sang so often. What struck me though was the delightful satire Gilbert’s words provide, which was enhanced by the absurd costumes (a carrot outfit for Poo- Bah, and a hatchet hat for Ko-Ko to name a couple).

Since some of Ko-Ko’s lines in this ditty are fairly dated and un-pc,there is a tradition of altering them to suit local conditions in some productions. I have taken the liberty of doing the same for my own personal list for the Lord High Executioner,  a difficult task given Sir Gilbert’s eccentric metre at times.

I’ve got a little list

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,

I’ve got a little list – I’ve got a little list

Of society’s offenders who might well be underground,

And who never would be missed – who never would be missed.

There’s the pestilential nuisances who don’t strap in their kids

All people who use Tupperware and lose the plastic lids

All technos who sit on their smartphones – that really is quite rude

And let me not begin to rant re Instagramming food.

They’d none of ‘em be missed – they’d none of ‘em be missed.

 

Chorus: She’s got ‘em on the list – she’s got ‘em on the list;

And they’ll none of ‘em be missed – they’ll none of ‘em be missed.

 

There’s the jock who tells those  kinds of jokes, yet says he’s not racist,

And the talk show egotist – I’ve got him on the list!

And the irksome lot who slurp their meals and the priest misogynists

They never would be missed – they never would be missed!

There’s the ex-pat who now lives in Perth, but still would like to moan;

Sales execs who business- speak and Americanize their tone;

The politicians, poachers and callous industrialists

‘Number One’s’ apologists and those who’d merely slap his wrists

And hipster bushy beards on my sons that I then have to kiss –

I don’t think they’ll be missed – I’m sure they’ll not be missed!

 

Chorus: She’s got them on the list – she’s got them on the list;

And I don’t think they’ll be missed – I’m sure they’ll not be missed!

 

And that local dunce who just dug up half the road to Cape Town

To bug the motorists – I’ve got his name on the list!

And the men who won’t pay maintenance, and reds who can’t pipe down

They’d none of ‘em be missed – they’d none of ‘em be missed.

Hypocrites and back-stabbers, power-hungry seekers of fame

Liars and deceivers who delight in portioning out the blame ,

Sychophants and fanaticists of each and every clime

Those who swear they care for others, yet never make the time.

But it doesn’t really matter whom you put upon the list,

For they’d none of ‘em be missed – they’d none of ‘em be missed!

You may put them on the list – you may put them on the list;

And they’ll none of ‘em be missed – they’ll none of ‘em be missed!

 

PS: But not the Maestro-organist – I took him off the list

He really would be missed! He really would be missed.